Suki's Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge Collection
by Suki59
Summary: I'm putting all my Hans von Hozel stories together here for easy access. Please help yourself when in need of a giggle.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm almost five weeks into The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge and realizing it will be easier to post these stories as chapters of one story rather than individual stories. (Thank you to Team Jane for the idea.) So, I'm compiling the four I've already posted before continuing. I didn't want to lose the reviews though and so I've added them to the ends of the first four chapters. They are often funnier than the stories themselves.**

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 1: Lemons**

**Sokie's Request**

**Summary: ****Sookie spreads in want. Pam is almost costing her of a pleasure on Eric.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. **

Sookie sprawled on Fangtasia desk with wide legs.

"Yahoo needs you!" she wailed of begging for Eric.

His pole sprang. "My telepath!"

A bursting in of Pam ended coochie love.

"Fuck a zombie!" Pam repeats.

"No, telepath is my choice when you retreat to the bar," Viking spewed.

Pam outs a door. All was returned to humping. Coming too.

Sookie moaned for pleasure in final satisfaction, "I never pine for Bill, my poker."

Eric was of a grinning face. It becomes happy time.

Even desk thrilled with assembled butt cheeks.

**A/N: In case you're not familiar yet with The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, and simply think I'm out of my mind, Thyra10, vicvega66, E-F-M, and I started this challenge in the hopes that many will take up the Hans von Hozel baton and write us a weekly fic.**

**Do an author search of Hans von Hozel and you'll see why we love him. Then do an author search of The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge (but remove the spaces between words) to learn more about the challenge or find our thread on The Sookieverse Forum.**

**Then, put on your Hans von Hozel writing hat and have fun!**

**Reviews posted prior to 8-5-11:**

**kleannhouse**  
>2011-07-21 . chapter 1<p>

I am going to figure out the Hans Von Hozel challenge yet. once i do i think i will enjoy reading them

**seastarr08**  
>2011-07-16 . chapter 1<p>

So happiness you decide to invent this enjoyable writings. Hey!

**Studiokmt**  
>2011-07-15 . chapter 1<p>

LOL.. You made a good telling story!

**Northman Maille**  
>2011-07-15 . chapter 1<p>

Hans is many good for the writing. Badness of Pam and her dirty desirous mouth! Eric should danube for her!

**Fairyblood**  
>2011-07-15 . chapter 1<p>

*claps* Use of english much story of yahoo and pole!

**MommaMinion40**  
>2011-07-14 . chapter 1<p>

you make me giggle. HUGS:)

**fffbone**  
>2011-07-14 . chapter 1<p>

LOL Very funny

**jtedrick1**  
>2011-07-14 . chapter 1<p>

Pam outs a door. All was returned to humping. lol I found these stories this morning and they have made my day ;)

**momzombie**  
>2011-07-13 . chapter 1<p>

Many thanks for happy times with my Suede.

**Violetbat**  
>2011-07-13 . chapter 1<p>

LOL! Me a lot happy und a lot laiked dhe "desk thrilled with assembled butt cheeks". Verry Wunderful und kool! *Hahahaha*

Loved it! Had a good time reading it! Have to go check Hans's writing out right now! =) *Hugs*

**ehee**  
>2011-07-13 . chapter 1<p>

"I never pine for Bill, my poker."

Need I say more? ;D

**penpractice**  
>2011-07-13 . chapter 1<p>

tee hee, 'Even desk thrilled with assembled butt cheeks' - well who wouldn't be.

**moxiemo**  
>2011-07-13 . chapter 1<p>

even desk thrilled with assembled butt cheeks! hahahahahaha

**nukemlee**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

Yahoo every needs Viking, net zombie.

**sassyvampmama**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

OMG... I was reading and thought, "Oh no, TB Franklin Mott has Suki, someone dial the phone very quickly- or send a fast text!"

Glad to hear that there is a sane reason for this tiny bit of hilarity.

**peppermintyrose**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

So wrong it's right. I was happy that Pam outed the door and they could get on with it. :D

**Gjers-1**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

My keyboard makes to want write myself Hans Von Hozel ditty. "Promises, promises", Suki disbelieves. Must to need reads original Von Hozel's before understands.

Gah...my forte does reviews, no? Hehe...

Chuckles good to happy. ;p

**vicvega66**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

My eyes were full of pleasent wettings, my hearts were pitta patta. Danube!

**Thyra10**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

Fuck a Zombie!

Hahaha, very funny. And now we need to invite Hans von Hozel to participate.

**Honeypop**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

Upon reading this I danubed. My computer said "Look!" And I looked and I read and I danubed .Thanks.

**E-F-M**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

You danubed me pleasurelets plenty:) My yahoo singed with Sookies and appreciation of poles spranging.

Wonders if The HvH will writes a fic for The SVM World?

**erin1705**  
>2011-07-12 . chapter 1<p>

LOL, that was hilarious! I loved it!


	2. Chapter 2

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 2: Jannalynn**

**Jannalynn as Bad News**

**Summary: ****Will Sookie's eyes have another bullet following at the chest of a loved man? Sam's danger is Jannalynn!**

**Disclaimer: Charlaine Harris owns these characters, although I'm not quite sure she'd want to claim them after I've tarnished them here.**

Sookie is feeling so jealous of Jannalyn while bodies slip through the portaling fairy slit.

_I know Sam slides her a sausage_, thinking in the brain of Sookie.

"We can be friends!" Jannolyn screeches as bodies are hurled into envelope of clearing on the woods.

But Sookie dips at the think in Janalinn and reveals intentions of unfriendship in the cortex.

_Should I warning to Sam? Sausage conquers Janalynn. Will he be of listening?_ Sookie worries and frowned. Then, decisions come on her.

"Sam, Janalyn's head is ill thinking on me. Telepathing revealed meandom."

Jannolinn swipes gun out the jacket. Trigger triggers, exploding drama on whole team.

"She shoots me!" Sookie howls.

Just in time, Sam is jumping. A bullet pokes into Sam at chest height.

_Just as alike on Eric from Debbie Pelt's table!_ Sookie's thoughts. French term of happens again is on Sookie's mind. _Dejavu._

Sam is unvampire and deceases however.

"Killer!" Sookie pointed at Janalin.

Janolyn with gun sprints on the woods and slides into portal from the fairies. Poof!

Sookie cryed on the floor of the woods. Sam deteriorates.

**Reviews posted prior to 8-5-11:**

**kleannhouse**  
>2011-07-21 . chapter 1<p>

okay i understood that one a bit more still not sure if i like the style of writing yet.

**hummingbirds2**  
>2011-07-21 . chapter 1<p>

Absolutely fabulous. I was laughing out loud from the first line onwards; from the portaling fairy slit to through unfriendship in the cortex to the Sam, well you know! Just so funny! These HvH's are jannalynn!

**Northman Maille**  
>2011-07-18 . chapter 1<p>

Sam deteriorates, alas slack!

We wonders often why fairy slit takes dead body no problem but grandchild of Sookie's father's father's father will not fit through slit. Mad chewing is afraid of maybe?

Not liking this jinnalan!

**moxiemo**  
>2011-07-18 . chapter 1<p>

oh no! poor sam! tears danubing down my cheeks :)

**penpractice**  
>2011-07-18 . chapter 1<p>

Am thinking Sookie wanting Sam to slip through her portaling fairy slit. Much laughs and challengey challenge this week, much hard thinking.

**AnnDee**  
>2011-07-18 . chapter 1<p>

What the...

I hope to high heavens that this ridiculousness is on purpose.

**E-F-M**  
>2011-07-17 . chapter 1<p>

'Nooooooo! Bad Suji59 maked a distraction of sausages and worst so now killed of Sookie I didn't!' screeched Jannalynn.

But poking of bullets makes a haha:)

**peppermintyrose**  
>2011-07-16 . chapter 1<p>

"Meandom" is just about the best word I've read this week. I wish I could use it. So much action, and I'm not sure of what happened - excellent HvH work. :D

The sausage always conquers. :D

**sassyvampmama**  
>2011-07-16 . chapter 1<p>

OMG... are these going into a community anywhere? 'd love to find a collection of these. Ican't even begin to try to write it, but I love reading it!

**seastarr08**  
>2011-07-16 . chapter 1<p>

Sad is Sam unvampire. Many unvampire in the life of Sookie.

**EtheHunter**  
>2011-07-16 . chapter 1<p>

Brilliant.

Thoroughly tarnished. I love this challenge.

E

**Thyra10**  
>2011-07-16 . chapter 1<p>

Aaaw, poor Sam.

I`m glad you found out how Sam`s girlfriend spells her name *snorts*

Great second week challenge-story :-D

**jtedrick1**  
>2011-07-16 . chapter 1<p>

But Sookie dips at the think in Janalinn and reveals intentions of unfriendship in the cortex.

haha


	3. Chapter 3

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 3: Kill a character**

**Oklahoma Trouble**

**Summary: ****Sookie and Eric and Oklahoma! Some badly happens.**

**Disclaimer: Charlaine Harris owns these crazy kids although she might not recognize them here. Hans von Hozel owns the word danube as I've used it. **

**We added fourteen new Hans von Hozel stories last week and one this week! I hope everyone will try one. It's fun!**

Sookie and Eric sittings in Fangtasia piled up on throne.

Suddenly, Oklahoma!

"You make me husbing!" Oklahoma queen point at Viking.

Fangbangers scattering. Sookie hopped down and whipping out a stake!

"Eric is MINE!" Sookie screech.

"WAIT!" Eric stand and calm. "No stake, Sookie! We all make a happy together."

But Sookie's face is at Eric, eyes drilling on Eric. Angering of the threebie in Eric's brain.

Suddenly, stake fly! Eric chest pokey!

"Phleh," say Eric and then ashes all on floor carpet dead.

Oklahoma danubed away. Pam ins Fangtasia and crying on ashes.

Sookie feeled kind of bad.

"Eric nobody's now," Sookie sadded.

**Reviews posted as of 8-5-11:**

**Team Jane**  
>2011-08-02 . chapter 1<p>

No, Eric chest no pokey! Bad Sookie for stake fly. Fangbangers scatter like ant. Me likey!

**Thyra10**  
>2011-08-01 . chapter 1<p>

And here you kill Eric - love it :-D

**E-F-M**  
>2011-07-31 . chapter 1<p>

I sadded too. Wailness and cryness at kill of The Eric of Swedens!

'Suddenly, Oklahoma!' Beslet use of Suddenly! Ever:D

Tored between 'oh-oh' face and grin face.

Danube!

**mac3774**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

It makes sadleys with Eric all pokey and made ashey on top of floor carpet.

**jtedrick1**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

your getting pretty good at channeling the master ;)

**Jadajuice**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

THese are so funny! does Hans know about this contest? !LOL!

thanks for all the giggles!

**MommaMinion40**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

Love you! Giggling! HUGS:)

**Missus T**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

Oh. My. God.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

GREAT JOB! (sorry for shouty caps, I LOL'd and choked a little on my drink.)

**Studiokmt**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

Me too sadded.

**kleannhouse**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

pissed off Sookie

**hummingbirds2**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

Totally HvH. So tragic. I would love to have seen Oklahoma danube!

**seastarr08**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

Is win. Okay!

**fffbone**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

LOL Yes we all sad now. Eric ash on floor. No threebie for Eric.

**girlyj2727**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

Great story...I laughed ou loud

**honu27**  
>2011-07-29 . chapter 1<p>

Sad giggle giggle...just what I needed to read this morning...


	4. Chapter 4

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 4: Rhodes**

**Rhodes Explodings**

**Summary: ****Bad bomb make destructive on triangle Rhodes hotel. Will Sookie rescue day-sleeped vampires?**

**Disclaimer: Charlaine Harris owns these characters. **

**If you haven't discovered The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge yet, get over to The Sookieverse Discussion Forum and find the thread. It's some silly fun.**

Sookie running to Eric and Pam in pointy hotel.

Suddenly, explodes!

"Wakey, wake, Eric!" Sookie at the slapping on Eric's dead face.

Stuff Pam into coffin and ride like a cowboy outing the window of pointiness with Eric.

All group fly to ground. Splat!

Pam makes squish on road like a frog.

Eric burning as toast.

"Ew! You both stinky dead!" Sookie runned away.

She finded Bill under broken walldom for hotel, cooking same as Eric.

"I save you, Bill!" Sookie coughed and shrilled.

Suddenly, Andre!

"I know you making the hate on me!" Andre crawling at Sookie.

Stab! Stab! Andre staking Sookie and she deaded.

"Waaaaaa!" Bill sadly before sun crunching him to black.

Only Andre left on crumbles.

**Reviews posted as of 8-5-11:**

**Thyra10**  
>2011-08-01 . chapter 1<p>

"Only Andre left on crumbles."

Love it! I`m sure Andre is a tender soul but he`s always butchered in fanfic (and in SVM). Here he isn`t :-D

**Team Jane**  
>2011-07-31 . chapter 1<p>

You are really good at these. It's amazing how something so short with really bad grammar can be so damn funny.

**fffbone**  
>2011-07-31 . chapter 1<p>

Pointy Hotel, HA HA HA Cowboy Riding dead on a stuffed coffin. LOL They be all cooking like toast. LOL. I can't get enough of these!

**E-F-M**  
>2011-07-31 . chapter 1<p>

Hahahaha. Makelet a drama from a crisis:D

Splat and splay and stinky dead - LOL LOL

You make a badness as no Quinn deaded? NOOOOOOO! wail EFM!

**kleannhouse**  
>2011-07-30 . chapter 1<p>

some of these are too funny just have to keep reading them still don't understand how they are done but i am ok with that. KY

**notimefortime**  
>2011-07-30 . chapter 1<p>

How is it possible that so few words can make me laugh so much? Holy hell, I am choking over here...

Waaaaaaa!

**ganoo**  
>2011-07-30 . chapter 1<p>

oh shi*zel...I have no the eff what I'm doing...but I am love your Von Hozeling muchly!...


	5. Chapter 5

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 5: Merlotte's**

**Bill Danubes**

**Summary: ****A retelling of Bill's first appearance at Merlotte's.**

**Disclaimer: Charlaine Harris owns these characters. Hans von Hozel owns the word danube as I've used it. **

Sookie working at Merlotte's.

Suddenly, Bill!

_Oh, he handsome! Brain makes a quiet. Must be vampire!_ Sookie think.

She put on a flirty.

Suddenly, Rattrays!

Bill danubes out with Rattrays and Sookie sneaking follow.

Sookie peeking from truck pose and watched drainage of handsome new vampire.

_Oh no! I wanted having him boyfriend. Rattrays pulling blood all from him, cause a really dead. Hmm. Maybe handsomer vampire somewhere like Shreveport for me to make a touchy with yahoo place._

Sookie back away quiety-like and Merlotte's work again. Rattrays and Bill remain out.

"Where you at?" Sam sends a question.

"Nothing," say Sookie. She grinning and hoping Viking come along at Merlotte's.

Bill blood-empty and ashy in parking lot. Rattrays steal blood, make a rich.

Eric bubbling in Shreveport. Coming soon for to poke Sookie!

Happily ending.


	6. Chapter 6

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 6: Book Sookie meets Show Sookie**

**Show Sookie Showdown**

**Summary: ****What can happened when two Sookie's came together?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, including both Sookies.**

Sookie walking through wooded yard in behind of house.

Suddenly, another Sookie!

"Who you are?" Sookie maked a question.

"Show Sookie," another Sookie say.

"You look muchly like me only not the same," say Real Sookie.

"No! You ain't that pretty, goddammit," say trashy Show Sookie.

"Watch the language, Trashy Sookie! Not say 'ain't!'" say Nice and Normal Sookie.

"Ain't, ain't, ain't. Goddammit, goddammit, goddammit," shriek Bad Sookie.

Then Bad Sookie show hand and magic fairy light comed out. "I kill you!" yelling comes from Awful Sookie.

Suddenly, Eric!

BITE!

Show Sookie falled to woods floor.

"Eric, you killing the Show Sookie!" Good Sookie cryed.

"She made a bad hand light on you! Say bad words and act the trash," Eric reply.

Then, Eric and Good Sookie make a kissing and step over dead Show Sookie to happy times.

"Now, we find and kill Show Bill," speaked Eric and both made the smileys.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 7: Felipe's cape**

**Cape of Doom**

**Summary: Felipe arrive at Fangtasia bar. Cape causing some troubles!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or their clothing. Hans von Hozel owns the act of danubing.**

One night Eric call honey Sookie to come at Fangtasia.

She danubed in and suddenly, Felipe DeCastro!

"Hello, pretty Sookie," sneery Felipe dripped at the Sookie.

"Ew!" oopsies to the out loud made Sookie to the king. "Sorry," she add.

"You make mad on me!" Felipe shouts. "I mad!"

Suddenly, cape flied off of Felipe and smother Sookie!

"Mmmph!" choke Sookie.

"Stop!" shouting Eric. "You smothery all on Sookie!"

Then cape swoop out the door and smother all Shreveport.

Dead and dyed all peoples of Shreveport, Louisiana.

Sookie amongst all deaded from cape.

Eric feeled sadliness.

Felipe kind of sadly.

Cape laugh and fly to New Orleans. More dead of smother tomorrowing.


	8. Chapter 8

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 8: Have Hans von Hozel danube into your story.**

**The Day Hans Came**

**Summary: Sookie and Eric get a visit from a stranger that changes their lives.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Eric and Sookie. Hans von Hozel owns himself and the word danube as I've used it.**

Sookie and Eric were sitting on Sookie's front porch swing one beautiful summer night enjoying an unusual drama-free evening together when a strange car pulled into the driveway.

"Do you recognize that car?" Eric asked.

"Hmm. No, I don't think so," Sookie replied.

The car parked and a man emerged and approached the front porch.

As he stepped onto the porch, he extended his hand with a smile.

"I Hans von Hozel," he said proudly with a thick but indistinguishable accent.

Sookie stood and shook his hand, saying, "How do?" and then glanced back at Eric with a puzzled look.

Eric simply nodded from his seat, eyeing the stranger with curiosity.

"I have magic gift for the making of you!" Hans announced. "Once I come on your life, you be never the same!"

Eric stood and asked, "What make the gift on us?" and then looked over at Sookie in shock.

Sookie and Eric stared at each other in disbelief for an instant.

"Us talk funnily!" Sookie exclaimed.

"You magic not welcome!" Eric growled at the stranger as his fangs popped down. "Danube!"

The man turned and ran to his car, but before he got into the driver's seat, he flashed a satisfied grin up at Sookie and Eric standing on the porch. He climbed into the car and was soon heading away down Hummingbird Road.

Sookie and Eric turned to face each other again, incredulous.

"Thanking goodness for him gone!" Sookie said. "Oh no! We still make the talk crazy!"

"Maybe magic and maybe just addiction," Eric added. "Me likey in a oddly way."

"It like fun, actually," Sookie said with a growing smile. "Hans von Hozel be right. I no think we ever be the same. But it be the funny and enjoyment on the words."

And with that, they held hands and danubed back to the porch swing to explore their new language skills together and a happily ever after they'd never expected. Because no one is ever the same after meeting Hans von Hozel. Not even Sookie and Eric.


	9. Chapter 9

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 9: Jackson**

**Sticky Eric on Sookie**

**Summary: Eric make the spill on Sookie.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Eric and Sookie. Or Bubba.**

Sookie and Eric all humpy on a Jackson bedding because of Sookie's staked on the side in a supe bar with the Eric in glasses on a disguise for to protect the Sookie.

Suddenly semen!

Sookie all sticky on the back for Eric maked the juicy while she sucked blood on him.

Suddenly Bubba!

All the story-readers screeched a big loud "NO" to the Elvis as he interrupts the sticky back squirty.

"We want the romancy business!" howled the readers.

"Me too," growls Eric with the deflated boner of Viking.

"I likes it too," purrs Sookie. "But not until later in books."

Eric save up the sticky for more books.

Readers drooly for the waiting.


	10. Chapter 10

**The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge, Week # 17: Hot Shot**

**The Hot Shot Town**

**Summary: Explainage of the Hot Shot, Louisiana.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hot Shot, Sookie, Calvin, Jason, or Eric.**

People who become turning into panthers instead of were-wolving decision-maked on a settlement hometown named Hot Shot.

Suddenly, inbreeding!

Panther village grows the creepy with family mixing.

Barmaiden Sookie Stackhouse discovers Hot Shot and Calvin Norris, kind of suitor but panthery in Hot Shot town.

Jason Stackhouse, sibling for Sookie Stackhouse, captured and bited of the panthers and turns into wookie when the moon makes full and round.

Eric Northman maked Calvin Norris seem like watery suitor, and Sookie Stackhouse choosed Eric Northman.

Later, due to messy wife cheatery and odd panther rules, Sookie Stackhouse breaked Calvin Norris's hand by brick-smacking.

"Ow," probably came the sound from Calvin Norris.

Hot Shot remains creepily and Calvin Norris probably not so suitory any more thinking of hand crunch from Sookie Stackhouse.


End file.
